in every lifetime we have reasons to do things. i did a lot of things. things you usually dont mix up. like watching anti-war movies and then join the army to die a honorable death. maybe i was bored, maybe i didnt know anyone in his 30ies who was living a happy life or maybe its just my destiny to leave this planet sooner than nature would demand. my psychiatrist said its called thanatos which is a common condition and nothing to lose sleep over.

sgt elias was always my idol. taking drugs and fighting in a war. i idealized this person wondering if there was a real life human who was the model for this movie character. i was always attracted by the thought of living in a situation that is between death and life. that is what a war is about. you leave your civilian life and enter a stage where you can die a sudden death at any given moment. there are no rules, no hope .. just you and your rifle, the enemy and your loved ones at home. you dont care for your own life and that gives you one thing: freedom. absolute freedom because you are willing to sacrifice your existence for a big picture.

left aside that war always serves interests of a few people and at the end many people die – civilians and soldiers. but that is okay for me. its just nature. human nature

after all i found out that there is another motor in life: the eros. somehow i learned to love life, expect the unexpected and found my freedom in arts. that kind of freedom is what i digg. and if we all did there would not be any war anymore. but peace. amen.